Can't concentrate. feelings of hopelessness, sadness. So sad can't keep from crying -- but with no sound. I could not comprehend and my work became affected. Feelings of worthlessness. No one seems to understand this well. Life seems unknid, not worth living. Pain is interminable.
I can see his struggle to keep going. Although he sleeps very little he has lost weight (18lbs) and is very anxious and continues to got to the office each day.

Today [Ernie] told me "he needed help" and "could not go on". He picked me up from work, waiting for me with his head on the steering wheel. I had to drive home. WHAT IS WRONG?

Over the weekend he became more anxious. I made constant attempts to distract him - FROM WHAT? I hold him. I would never leave him no matter what. He couldn't walk the dog with me for more than a few feet before turning back, he was shaking so badly.

I thought a distraction would be good so we went to our favorite local restaurant. I held his hands as we sat at the table -

they were shaking. We left soon after ordering. He was terriffied that the two men at the next table were FBI agents watching our every move and were listenning to our conversation. I finally was able to dose off around 3am.

While Ernie was taking his third shower of the night Jen called. I overheard him telling her about FBI agents and the "bugs" in our house that were "mostly in the bedroom". This is all so unreal.
The Depths of Depression
Photographs by Jeanine Pohlhaus
[Click on each photograph to reveal more diary entries] 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

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