{"id":1365,"date":"2009-03-09T19:00:00","date_gmt":"2009-03-09T19:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/?p=1365"},"modified":"2009-03-09T19:00:00","modified_gmt":"2009-03-09T19:00:00","slug":"out-here-there-are-no-verbs-we-are-stoned-immaculate","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/out-here-there-are-no-verbs-we-are-stoned-immaculate\/","title":{"rendered":"Out here there are no verbs – we are stoned immaculate"},"content":{"rendered":"\n\n\n
\n

Life in Kabul is tough. Not in the way you’d probably expect. Security \t\t\tis fine. Honest Mum! Its all the essentials of daily life; electricity, water, \t\t\troads, communication, air quality, that are all fucked up.  Nothing works. Every thing that heats, burns, \t\t\tlights, pumps, pushes, pulls, opens, closes, sends, delivers, drives, covers, \t\t\tcooks, cools. Nothing, absolutely nothing, here does what is says on the tin.<\/p>\n

Living here is like camping at Glastonbury Festival<\/a> on a legendary wet weekend in \t\t\tJune.  By the end of four days at \t\t\tthe annual Pilston musical extravaganza, you feel like shit, you look like \t\t\tshit, you\u00d5re cold, you\u00d5re dirty, most of your possessions, along with your mind \t\t\tare either lost or in an irreparable state. But that’s what it is. You pay your \t\t\tticket money, you make your choice. By the following Wednesday its all but a \t\t\tdream. By Friday it’s a boast in the pub; ‘I survived Armageddon and lived to \t\t\ttell.’<\/p>\n

Kabul is like that, only it never ends, it’s Groundhog \t\t\tDay<\/a>. Every day. This is TIA (This Is Afghanistan)<\/a>child mortality<\/a> to access to clean drinking water<\/a>. They have a world index rankings that measure \t\t\tfree press or how corrupt governments are but nobody mentions The S.G.I. and nothing you can do will change \t\t\tit. This is not a moan about living in a poor country. I’ve done Third World \t\t\tand bought a few t-shirts. Africa is like a Swiss clock compared to here. This place \t\t\tis unique. The U.N. measures everything from The Shoddy Goods Index is used as measure of the quality of manufactured \t\t\tgoods in the country you live. This complicated mathematical equation is based \t\t\ton taking a box of matches and counting out how many in a box actually light. \t\t\tFrom this simple statistic you can then work out how fucked up the country \t\t\tis. <\/p>\n

Here we have Khyber Matches \t\t\twith the box art portraying one thing Afghans are very good at: Massacring invading infidels<\/a>. The matches? Well just say lighting the stove \t\t\tbecome an exhilarating game of dare and chance. Much like crossing the Khyber \t\t\tPass. Will the gas hob light or will it be you?  Russian roulette can also be played in the shower. One \t\t\tcolleague went for an early morning splash and woke up in hospital thanks to a \t\t\tgas leak in the heater.<\/p>\n

I live in an old four-bedroom single story house. In its day it would \t\t\thave been beautiful. Now it’s like a house that Blackwater<\/a> built. That’s if Blackwater<\/a>, the legendary mercenary company, did health \t\t\tand safety. If they did they would use this as a house as a sort of Fallujah type mock-up for domestic accident training. \t\t\tWe have security alerts here every day, warning of suicide attacks and \t\t\tkidnappings etc. Many NGOs even have to go on Hostile Environment Training<\/a>. But no one I’ve spoken to has been instructed \t\t\ton how to negotiate a shower with a water pump that emits sparks combined with a \t\t\tshowerhead that sprays water directly onto a light switch inside the cubicle. There \t\t\tmaybe be little chance of SBVIED<\/a> in my bathroom but it’s surely more dangerous than the road to Kandahar<\/a>. This morning the bukhari chimney fell off inside the living room \t\t\tspewing black smoke and ash everywhere. Somehow whilst washing the soot off my \t\t\tface in the sink I realised that the water was somehow electrified. A tingling \t\t\tsensation you don’t get with Lemon Zest body wash<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

However this leads me to concede one massive improvement since my last \t\t\tvisit. We now have virtually 24-hour electricity<\/a>. Well it’s about fourteen but this is a huge \t\t\tincrease from the virtual zero before. The power cables that come from Uzbekistan \t\t\thave finally been switched on and most of the city is awashoppressive gloomy regime<\/a>, providing gloomy oppressive lighting. with Central Asian electricity. The nice touch is that the electricity \t\t\tmatches its origin; an It’s not actually all the Afghan’s fault. The manufacturing base here is \t\t\tso marginal that even the most basic goods are imported. <\/p>\n

There is a sliding country \t\t\tscale of rubbish. If it’s made in Afghanistan it has no guarantee (well it’s guaranteed \t\t\tnot to work). Next it’s Pakistan. They make matches so volatile that the Israelis could use them in Gaza<\/a>. \t\t\tThen it’s the Chinese. They send us the stuff \t\t\tthat Europe won’t accept or that Russia has returned as too dangerous \t\t\tIranian goods are seen as gold standard of quality here. I don’t know \t\t\thow \t\t\tthey say, ‘Vorsprung \t\t\tDurch Technik’ in Farsi but the proud look from an Afghani shopkeeper \t\t\tas he \t\t\twaxes lyrical about Persian workmanship is very convincing. Even the \t\t\tAmericans \t\t\twill admit to that fact. US defence spokespeople are regularly seen \t\t\ttrumpeting \t\t\tthe advanced bomb making techniques of the Iranians. When it comes to I.E.D’s they are world leaders<\/a>. <\/p>\n

Unfortunately for me I am off on a military \t\t\tembed next week with the US forces. This is why I am hoping that the hyperbole \t\t\tsurrounding Iranian manufactured goods is just that. Here’s to \t\t\tshoddy workmanship then.<\/a><\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

The Afghan Hound<\/p>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

KABUL : 10Mar09 : The Afghan Hound
Life in Kabul is tough. Not in the way you’d probably expect. Security is fine. Honest Mum! Its all the essentials of daily life; electricity, water, roads, communication, air quality, that are all screwed up.  Nothing works. Every thing that heats, burns, lights, pumps, pushes, pulls, opens, closes, sends, delivers, drives, covers, cooks, cools. Nothing, absolutely nothing, here does what is says on the tin. Living here is like camping at Glastonbury Festival on a legendary wet weekend in June…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_mi_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_is_tweetstorm":false,"jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false}}},"categories":[19],"tags":[549,644,625,643,645,634],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\nOut here there are no verbs - we are stoned immaculate - FOTO8<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/out-here-there-are-no-verbs-we-are-stoned-immaculate\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Out here there are no verbs - we are stoned immaculate - FOTO8\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"KABUL : 10Mar09 : The Afghan Hound Life in Kabul is tough. Not in the way you'd probably expect. Security is fine. Honest Mum! Its all the essentials of daily life; electricity, water, roads, communication, air quality, that are all screwed up.  Nothing works. Every thing that heats, burns, lights, pumps, pushes, pulls, opens, closes, sends, delivers, drives, covers, cooks, cools. Nothing, absolutely nothing, here does what is says on the tin. 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I am an alien. I\u2019m an illegal alien. I\u2019m an Englishman in HECHLAND and tears are now rolling down my eyes. I am laughing like a drain. It\u2019s just another absurd day in Afghanistan.","rel":"","context":"In "Blogs"","block_context":{"text":"Blogs","link":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/category\/online\/blogs\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/04\/proofofalienlife_280.jpg?fit=280%2C224&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1377,"url":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/paedophiles-politicians-photographers-and-the-big-lens-theory\/","url_meta":{"origin":1365,"position":1},"title":"Paedophiles, politicians, photographers and the big lens theory","author":"Jon","date":"18 Mar 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Kabul: 19 March 2009: Afghan Hound Documentary photographer, photojournalist, snapper, paparazzi, picture monkey, painter with light. 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Now there\u2019s a temporary solution.\u201d In a country full of half-measures and empty promises the wisdom of Homer Simpson definitely hits the spot here.","rel":"","context":"In "Blogs"","block_context":{"text":"Blogs","link":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/category\/online\/blogs\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"drunk_anonymous-3_copy_copy.jpg","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/07\/drunk_anonymous-3_copy_copy.jpg?fit=470%2C313&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1501,"url":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/destitute-in-kabul-afghanistans-drug-addicts\/","url_meta":{"origin":1365,"position":3},"title":"Destitute in Kabul: Afghanistan’s Drug Addicts","author":"Jon","date":"20 May 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"Alfonso Moral spent four months in Kabul uncovering the destitute lives of it's heroin addicts living in the old Russian Cultural Centre.","rel":"","context":"In "Photo Stories"","block_context":{"text":"Photo Stories","link":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/category\/online\/c129-photo-stories\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Alfonso Moral","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/05\/addicts25.jpg?fit=470%2C313&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2174,"url":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/stories-from-kabul\/","url_meta":{"origin":1365,"position":4},"title":"Stories from Kabul","author":"Jon","date":"11 Feb 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Asef Ali Mohammad travelled to Afghanistan to ask average Afghanis their thoughts on the US occupation of their country.","rel":"","context":"In "Photo Stories"","block_context":{"text":"Photo Stories","link":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/category\/online\/c129-photo-stories\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1793,"url":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/save-the-virgins-now\/","url_meta":{"origin":1365,"position":5},"title":"Save the Virgins NOW!!","author":"Jon","date":"19 Aug 2009","format":false,"excerpt":"\"Obedience to Gods' commandments prevents his punishing people with disease.\" Exodus 15:26","rel":"","context":"In "Blogs"","block_context":{"text":"Blogs","link":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/category\/online\/blogs\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1365"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1365"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1365\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1365"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1365"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.foto8.com\/live\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1365"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}